Ep.2 - 10 thoughts from my first year of fatherhood

Inspired by my favourite blog post about having a baby (Tim Urban's 10 Thoughts From the Fourth Trimester), I bring you my version! Our baby is about to turn 1, which feels like a good time to capture some of the things I've come across in this new lifelong job of mine. I make no guarantees that it is anywhere near as insightful as Tim's - he's a tough act to follow and is better at squiggly drawings than me.

1. Being a primary caregiver as a dad makes you an outlier

I’m lucky with the parental leave allowances I get at work; all up, I’ve taken a 6-month block with a combination of paid and unpaid leave, subbing in when Elly returned to work.

There are a few things that made me realise I was a bit of an outlier as a primary caregiving dad. First, despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to find a father’s group. I thought about trying to set one up myself, but instead ended up joining Elly’s mother’s group a couple of times, as it was already established, and they kindly didn't mind having a dad join in. Anecdotally, I also haven't seen many other dads during the daytime walking around with the pram, but mums and bubs are in abundance. Is it societal gender expectations? I’m not sure, but it’s definitely a shame more dads don’t get to spend quite as much time with their new baby.

2. Babies bring out the humanity in everyone

As you’re walking along proudly pushing your baby in the pram, the majority of passersby will sneak a look at the baby, with a resulting smile spreading across their faces. I‘m often surprised that this includes seemingly hard men. Seeing a muscular, beard-wearing bloke stoked to see a baby is awesome, and makes everyone seem more approachable and human.

I've also found that many older parents strike up a conversation, telling me about their own (often adult) children and reflecting on how time flies during parenthood. It reminds me of a phrase I've heard people say about parenthood: "The days are long and the years are short".

3. Clothing with press studs suck

Any parent who has had to wake up at 3 am to change their baby’s outfit will know that fumbling with 10 press studs with minimal lighting sucks. Zippers were invented in 1892 and are superior in every way. This makes baby suits with zippers superior in every way.

4. Travel prams for the win

In typical Charlie fashion, I spent too much time researching which pram to buy before Bella was born. Largely motivated by our planned trip to the UK, we settled on the Stokke/Babyzen YOYO, a nimble travel pram that can fit into overhead airline storage, and the boot of a Toyota Corolla with extra space for shopping bags 😂

Some prams are enormous and look like a big effort to get in and out of the back of an SUV, let alone into a cramped cafe. We always thought we might end up needing a larger pram, but the YOYO hasn’t held us back yet, so I can’t see it happening anytime soon.

5. People think you're crazy choosing reusable nappies

When I read that a baby might use as many as 2,500 nappies in just the first year of their life, and up to 7,000 by the time they're toilet trained, it made me feel a bit shocked. That’s a lot of nappy changes, but also a lot of potential landfill, particularly when a nappy can take hundreds of years to decompose.

I began to look into alternatives to disposable nappies and discovered that things have progressed beyond the terry towelling and safety pin era that our parents went through. These days, you can get some brightly coloured, one-size-adjustable nappies with a polyester shell and cotton inserts. They’re actually kinda cute:

After trialling a "part-time" quantity of 10 reusables, we quickly took the plunge and increased our stockpile to 32 nappies. These were then distributed somewhere in a constant cycle of in use, waiting to be washed, in the wash, drying, or assembled and ready to use.

As Bella got bigger, we upsized the nappies using the press studs, and the absorbency by adding larger or additional cotton liners. This mostly worked well, until about 6 months old, where we started using a disposable nappy overnight because we found that the reusable nappies just weren't absorbent enough to get through to the morning - Bella kept waking up in the early hours needing a fresh nappy.

Poos ramped up once solids started, which made the whole cleanup and rinsing operation more challenging and smelly. Despite this, we've persisted and, by my calculations, have diverted approximately 2,300 nappies from landfill, without costing us extra money.

One interesting reflection is that we haven't come across other parents using reusables. People are often curious and impressed that we're giving it a go, but find the convenience of disposables too enticing to give up. When the new parent workload already feels so high, I get it, but it does feel like an area where nappy services could step in to make it all a bit easier and sustainable.

6. Demand for Childcare massively outstrips supply

Off the back of some advice from a couple of colleagues, we'd put Bella's name down for around 5 childcare positions well before she was born. Only one came back with an offer of 2 days a week, Mondays and Fridays. We had to take up the spot well before we really wanted Bella to be in childcare, or we'd lose it. This meant she was the youngest in the centre, at only 4 months old. It was a hard first day dropping her off! We also soon realised that Mondays and Fridays are the worst days to have, as the majority of public holidays fall on either one of them, and you have to pay the full rate even when the centre is closed. I suspect these sorts of policies stem from the imbalance between demand and supply.

Despite the semi-rort of paying when it's closed, there have been a number of benefits. For one, it quickly taught Bella to bottle feed, as she didn't really have another option during the day. It also gave a few hours each week to get on top of life admin and have a break from parenting for a little while. It also means Bella is growing up with childcare as the norm, so she won't have a tough introduction to it when we're both back at work full-time.

7. Gym classes with a crèche win the new parent market

Throughout parental leave, I’ve gone to the gym between 4-5 days a week thanks to the complimentary childminding offered. Without exception, there are always a handful of other babies and their parents (mostly mums) training as well. For the sake of one staff member, a small baby fence and some basic toys, allowing all these new parents to stay in shape, get out of the house, and become gym members seems like a no-brainer - I’m surprised more places aren’t doing it! It has definitely preserved my sanity on more than a few occasions.

8. Sleep training isn’t as brutal as it sounds

“How’s the sleep going?” is the most common question you seem to be asked as a new parent. It’s a pretty lame question because everyone knows the answer is, “really crap, thanks”. As the months drag on, you reach the end of the tether and start to look for a solution to the multiple wake-ups each night. Supportive friends who have been through the journey themselves encouraged us to give sleep training a go, but reading about controlled crying, the Ferber technique, and the shockingly named ’extinction method’ (aka, close the door and see you in the morning) all seemed pretty rough. That was until another couple of months of no evenings and broken sleep went by. 8 months in, something needed to change…so we went all in.

I had no idea until recently, but apparently, self-soothing is a skill we all need to learn as babies. We established a solid bedtime routine (food, bath, book, boob, bed), transitioned Bella into her own room, and gave her the chance to self-soothe with the Ferber technique. Within a few days, we had our evenings back! Bella also started to get through the entire night, sleeping up to 12 hours. We wondered why it had taken us so long to take all the advice we’d been given.

9. Don’t have a bathtub? Shower with your baby instead

This sounds so obvious, but it really wasn’t to us. Our home doesn’t have a bathtub, so we bought one of those plastic bathtubs instead. The problem with those is that they’re a pain in the ass to fill, heavy to move, and cumbersome to empty. The first few baths were cute, but then we started to dread the process. That was until a genius in Elly’s mother’s group suggested we shower with the baby. Game changer! With a secure grip to prevent the slippery baby from going anywhere, shower time was a breeze in comparison. Don't get me wrong - I’d take a built-in bathtub any day, but the shower is getting the job done.

By the way, a digital thermometer is way better at telling you the bath temperature is okay for the baby than your elbow!

10. The way you feel about your baby is 11 when you thought it would be 10

You know it’s going to be big and life-changing, and that you’re probably going to love that little squishy swaddled up baby a lot, but those chemicals and hormones hit harder than you expect. Becoming a parent feels like the most formative experience I've had to date - life is now a timeline of 'before Bella' and 'with Bella'.

You're not quite sure what you're signing up for when you decide to try for a baby, but it has definitely been worth it.